Booty Call
by Nienna100
Summary: Joint, challenge fic with muppetmadness. Remus and Sirius decide to come out about their relationship after a topsy turvy betting game, involving brothels, clocks and fire. Will they get a first date? Slash of course. One shot.


Booty Call

**Booty Call**

**DISCLAIMER: WE OWN NOTHING BUT OUR CUTE LITTLE PLOT**

Sirius slung himself into his chair in the common room, opposite to Remus. "I'm bored," he announced. "There's nothing to do."

"You have three essays in for tomorrow Padfoot. Do. Them," Remus answered almost automatically. He had barely glanced up at his boyfriend when he entered. Remus had too much to concentrate on; the full moon had been three days ago, and he was catching up on his work.

"But I don't want to," whined Sirius.

"Well, what do you _want _to do?" Remus turned away from his parchment, and met Sirius' feral smirk.

"Oh no you don't Padfoot. I have work and –" but he was cut off by Sirius hoisting him over his shoulder and walking out of the common room. No one else in the common room looked up: they were used to the two boy's odd behaviour. Remus thumped furiously on Sirius' back, as the Animagus carried him up the stairs to the dormitory. "No fair, let me down." He hated being small and light, his curse caused his stunted growth.

"Quit it Moony," Sirius ordered, as he pushed open the door to the dormitory. He dropped Remus down onto the bed.

"Sirius... Sirius," Remus said, his voice suddenly serious. "Do you ever want, I don't know… _more _than this?" He gestured between them. "You know, just us, having to be so… so… secretive and careful about other people seeing us kissing and… Don't you want more?"

"I'd never want more than you Moony. You're _everything_."

"Would you… I just thought that I would like to make this more… you know, public… go to Hogsmede with me? Sit in that ridiculous café the couples go to and just be us?" Sirius took Remus' hands, and the werewolf leant against his shoulder, "I don't see why we have to hide."

Surprised, Sirius asked, "Where did this all come from Reemy? I didn't know that you were worried about that. I thought we were all OK." Sirius cupped Remus' chin in his hand to turn the amber eyes towards him.

"No, no, no, I'm happy with this… with you," said Remus, hurrying to pacify him. "It's just…"

When he paused, Sirius encouraged, "Go on."

"Well… all around I can see these couples. And day after tomorrow is Valentine's day… they're all lovey-dovey and… they're not ashamed," muttered Remus. "And… I mean sometimes I think you _are _ashamed of me. And you have every right to-"

"I'm no ashamed. I just don't feel I can be like everyone else – especially when things are so strained with my family. Regulus is a coward and a bigot, but he isn't a killer. He needs my help, but he won't accept it if he knows about us."

"Regulus? Your family? Sirius, Christ, you hate them, you hate everything about them. You can't use that as an excuse anymore. Just tell me the truth." Tears filled his honey-coloured eyes. "Have I done something? Or not done? Do I not deserve the truth?"

"No, of course you do," exclaimed Sirius, looking hurt.

"Then tell me," begged Remus. "Am I just something to distract you when you're bored?"

"We'll go out then."

"Or are you just trying to –"

"Remus we'll go out for Valentine's day."

"Or is your family more important –"

"Screw my family, Remus! They aren't as important as you. Go out with me for Valentine's day, in Hogsmede, where everyone can see."

"What?" Remus faltered.

"I'll take you to a restaurant and do it properly."

"Do what properly?"

"Our first date, you fool!"

"Our… hang on… it _is _our first date. That's depressing."

"See," Sirius grinned, "You aren't just my booty call."

"Sirius," said Remus, with forced calm. "You have never referred to me as your 'booty call' before in your life. Please don't start now."

"Booty call, booty call, booty call," chanted Sirius, but his short attention span prompted him to switch subjects. "Ooh, we could go to that place where they sell that chocolate cake you drool over." His eyes lit up with excitement. "Bet I can eat more than you."

"Oh come on, why are you so rubbish at making bets? At least make it a proper one, you might have a chance to win."

"What are we betting for?"

"If I win you have to take me on a date to the best, most expensive and romantic restaurant."

"The Leaky Cauldron."

"No, not the fucking Leaky Cauldron Padfoot. That new one, Utopia."

Sighing, Sirius said, "Fine, what am I doing?"

"Do I have free reign?"

"No limits because love has no limits."

Remus hit him on the arm at the soppiness. "I bet you can't break an antique piece of school property."

"Bet higher."

"OK. I bet you can't make all the teachers do a Mexican wave at the friendly Friday Quidditch Match tomorrow."

"Pathetic, but less so that the first."

"I bet you can't set up a brothel."

"Not too shabby."

"Bet you can't do all of them!"

"High score!"

Remus faltered, "Hang on, so if you don't manage to do these you'll take me on a date, but you'll try anyway?"

"Weeell, you cured my boredom."

This conversation seemed to sum up their relationship – it flittered between the serious and the comic. And all in secret. Until now it seemed.

000

Remus was in the empty dorm, slaving through the last of his work, when Sirius burst in again, obviously jubilant. Flicking his textbook closed, Remus sat up. A sigh in his voice, he asked, "What have you done?"

"What makes you think I've done anything?" asked Sirius, trying to project innocence.

"You have that look."

The dormitory was empty apart from the couple, as James and Peter were in detention, so Sirius dropped down next to Remus, and pulled him into a hug. "I was just doing what you told me to." At Remus' glare, Sirius added, "You'll see at midnight, or hear as the case may be."

"I don't understand," said Remus, pouting.

"It's almost midnight," said Sirius, "And very night you complain when the clock rings, but no one else can hear it. Now, you dared me to break a piece of school property, and that was very irresponsible I'll add, and what' more antique than the clock in the entrance hall?"

"You didn't?" gasped Remus.

"Just listen."

For the next five minutes, Remus listened intensely, but when midnight came and went, he gasped, "There's nothing! I can't believe you'd do that. _What_ did you do?"

Shrugging, Sirius said, "A few simple spells that landed it in the lake."

"What?! What is 'it'? The pendulum? Please don't tell me the largest pendulum in the history of clocks didn't just squish the giant squid."

"Not the pendulum! The ticker!"

"That what?"

"The thingy which makes it tick."

"So that's one down, two to go… even though I'd say the clock was _fixed _not broken."

"So now it's brothel time? Incidentally, what exactly constitutes a brothel?"

"A place where people can pay for… sexual favours?"

"Excellent, it shall be called 'the Booty Call." How much would you pay?"

"What?!"

"I'm hardly going to shag anyone else, am I? So how much are you going to pay for my… sexual favours?" asked Sirius, with a wicked grin.

"Wait, let me clear this up. I'm paying you to have sex with me, which I can get for free from you normally, so you will take me on a date if you fail." Then he shrugged, "Sounds random enough, but there's one tiny problem."

Honestly confused, Sirius asked, "What did I miss?"

"I can't pay you. I don't have anything to pay you with Siri, you know that," Remus looked embarrassed and Sirius pulled him close.

"Oh Merlin, Reemy, I'm sorry. I forgot, that was stupid of me."

Remus forced a smile on to his face, "It's OK, but it brings me back down to the question how are you going to do this?"

It took only a moment for Sirius' face to light up in an inspired grin, "I got it. I employ you, at my brothel, and pay you for sex instead, with the date. So either way, you'll get your date."

"I don't want to be a hooker," sulked Remus.

"Tough…"

"But… but… you don't see me as a slut do you?"

"Stop thinking so hard! If this is going to be a brothel," he looked around critically at the room, "It needs more class."

Remus snorted, "A _brothel _needs more class?"

"Yes, it has to be posh like me! It needs velvet and silk and…" he flicked his wand at a book on the bedside table of Remus' bed and transformed it into… "It needs a chandelier!"

Groaning, Remus buried his head in his hands, "Why do I agree to your ideas? Am I insane?"

"No dear, just madly in love with me."

"This is true."

Sirius waved his wand a few more times, changing the sheets to silk, throwing up silencing charms and making a heavy, red velvet curtain draw around the 'brothel'."

"Come here Reemy," called Sirius, softly, seductively. He prowled towards the bed, Remus following, and pulled him down onto the bed. The dark haired Animagus pressed light kisses to the werewolf's temple, running down to his mouth.

"Aren't I supposed to be leading?" asked Remus, cupping Sirius' chin, "Or was this all about you getting sex?"

"That too… why Moony … are you getting aggressive on me?"

"I was just trying to do this properly," Remus huffed.

"_Is_ there a proper way? I mean I _am _dating you for sex you do realise."

"Of course," Remus rolled his eyes.

"We _could _get you some kinky undies? And some sort of large fan."

"Or you could just kiss me again," said Remus, smirking as he pulled his boyfriend closer to be able to reach him properly. With a growl, Sirius rolled over, forcing Remus onto his back. The Animagus clambered on top. "Speaking of aggressive," laughed Remus, but he reached up at Sirius' ear, and then loosened Sirius' tie. Sirius pressed down with his hips, grinding against the werewolf. Gasping, Remus instructed, "Take off your clothes."

000

"Spooning; £20," Sirius remarked as Remus pressed his back against the Animagus' warm chest.

"It is rather off-putting when you keep quoting everything we do."

"I'm just showing you how grateful you should be that you get this for free."

Remus snuggled further down into Remus' arms, asking, "Can I have… or give you… some more free goodies?"

"Have I not given you enough to satisfy your hunger? Thirst?" Sirius asked, as he threaded his fingers through Remus' long hair.

"Never enough…"

"Can I take a rain check on that Reemy? I'm tired and need to wake up early to do homework tomorrow morning," said Sirius. He rolled onto his back, and Remus rested his head against Sirius' chest. "Not that I don't want to get my money's worth."

Stifling a laugh, Remus said, "It shouldn't take you long. I copied up the notes that you'll need for the homework whilst you were out."

Moving so he could plant a kiss to Remus' lips, Sirius said, "You are a saint."

"Yes, and you stopped me getting woken up by the evil chiming clock, and you paid me for sex, which made me feel very loved."

"That was after you did my homework," said Sirius, caressing Remus' thin face.

"Hush Padfoot," Remus ordered, running his tongue lightly over the shell of Sirius' ear, "If you know what's good for you."

With eyes wide with feigned honesty, Sirius purred, "Oh but I don't know what's good for me Reemy. You'll have to teach me. You're the professional here, remember?"

"You can afford another round?"

"I reckon so," laughed Sirius, nuzzling at Remus' pale neck, "Oh I reckon so my sweet Reemy."

000

When Remus had fallen asleep, Sirius gently slipped out of the bed, releasing him, and pressed a light kiss to the werewolf's forehead. Then, he pulled on his clothes, and left the room, only to bump into James and Peter, looking exhausted.

Having been shushed by Sirius, to keep Remus sleeping, James whispered, "That bastard Slughorn kept us sorting out _all _the cupboards in the Potions department. Merlin knows why you need so many ingredients. I mean, when have you ever used augrey claw clippings?"

Sirius snorted, "You think I pay attention?"

"No, I guess not," grinned James. "How come you're going out? It's like, three in the morning. Slughorn was listening out for the clock to strike midnight, but it never did."

"Oops, my bad."

"Guys, it's three in the morning and I have school later. Have I mentioned how idiotic it is to have detentions on Thursdays?" piped Pettigrew. "But I'm going to sleep."

"Hey James," said Sirius as Pettigrew walked into the dorm room, "Want to come have some prank related fun?"

"Awesome."

000

Sirius spent the whole day on Friday staring out of the window, tapping his fingers as he gazed at the Quidditch pitch. Remus found it infuriating. The Animagus continued to be distracted all throughout dinner, even ignoring James' spirited retelling of how he had spelled live jellyfish into Snivellus' pants. It was most strange. Also infuriating.

Remus had tried to force conversation, but Sirius was having none of it. Eventually, the time came for the friendly between Hufflepuff and Gryffindor, and the Marauders trekked down to the Quidditch pitch, Remus and Peter to watch, Sirius and James to play.

When they got to the changing rooms, Sirius grabbed Remus and pulled him into a niche. "You know that if this goes wrong, I'm taking you out anyway, don't you Moony."

"Of course," smiled Remus, wrapping his arms around Sirius' waist and leaning up for a kiss. "And you go, relax and have fun. And if you get in trouble, I was never involved. I can't afford a detention this close to NEWTs."

"This close? Remus, they're four months away!"

"And months go by too fast. Go get 'em."

"Will do."

000

Remus was on edge all the way through the Quidditch match, switching his gaze between his boyfriend and the teacher's box. Pettigrew had abandoned his attempts at conversation when the werewolf completely ignored him. Finally, an hour into the match, Sirius nodded to James and, quick as a flash, both sent simultaneous spells at the teacher's stand.

Immediately, Remus focused his keen eyes on the teachers. McGonagall was the first to move, leaping up out of her seat, followed almost immediately by Slughorn. One by one the teachers jumped up from their seats, as if burned. Suddenly, Remus realised that they had been burned, and they were flapping at small, violet fires on their chairs.

Glancing up at Sirius, he grinned, and mouthed, "Dorm room."

Sirius nodded back, with a jaunty wink, before flying down: the match was being called off and some of the older students were running over to help the teachers. He wouldn't be long.

About half an hour later, Sirius bounced into the dorm room, jubilant. "Oh yeah! Who totally kicked arse? Burnt arse I mean. You know, we never did organise what would happen if I won."

"That's because I didn't think you'd be able to do it," said Remus, as Sirius pounced onto the bed next to him and crawled forwards predatorily. Then, Remus placed his hands lightly onto Sirius' shoulders, stopping him in his path. "Though this sounds stupid, I feel I should ask, what do you want?"

"You're right, stupid question," laughed Sirius.

"Be specific."

"You like it when I talk dirty," smirked Sirius, as he climbed on top of Remus, straddling his outstretched legs. He placed his hands on either side of the werewolf's pale face, and told him, "I want us to take another turn in our brothel, dear booty call. I want you to make love to me until I lose consciousness, that's what I want."

"Is that all?" Remus asked, pressing himself forwards eagerly. Sirius began trailing his hands down the werewolf's spine, towards his waist, where they rested, tracing patterns on his hips, before starting to undo Remus' buttons.

"For now, sweet one, for now."

000

"I'm bored," Sirius stated with a sigh. "No offence Moony, but I don't see why any sane person would want to do this."

"I know, the glamour is strangely non-glamoury now that I'm here…" Remus added, gazing round the café. Though the chocolate cake had been to die for, and he'd laughed when Sirius had taken it upon himself to lick off the crumbs discreetly, it was not as fun as he'd hoped. He could feel the jealous gazes of every girl in the café on them, as they desired Sirius for themselves. It felt as if their linked hands were going to burst into flame, with the intensity of their glares. He had a feeling that he was going to get slightly unpopular among them for turning a most desirable man gay…

And it felt _awkward. _They hadn't felt awkward since the very beginning, and even then it wasn't that bad. It was difficult to feel that way with Sirius around. And yet...

"I know you wanted to do this, but… There are better ways to spend a Saturday Remus… away from here… in a brothel…"

A few eavesdropping girls raised scandalised eyebrows, and Remus grinned, "This is true."

"_Please _can we go."

"If…" Remus started.

"Yes?" Sirius sat up, raising hopeful eyes that reminded Remus of the dog that the Animagus turned into.

"If… you pay."

Sirius almost bounced out of his seat, threw down a few coins, and grabbed Remus' wrist. "Come on then! Bet I'll beat you there."

"Bet you won't." Laughingly, Remus followed his boyfriend, running faster than him with ease.

"Bet you'll trip," Sirius called from behind.

"Bet you'll try and trip me just to win."

"Bet I will too."

"Bet you'll cheat by transforming into a dog and…oh crap. Padfoot, wait!"

**A/N: Joint fic by Rowan from Muppetmadness and I. Challenge to include the phrase "Not the pendulum, the ticker," a chandelier and a Mexican wave, thanks Claudia and Josie… But at least we managed it! Thanks to Microtig for betaing. **

**If Rowan wants it up on her account instead just say and copy it from here and I'll delete this. I just thought I'd post it as I had typed and finished it.**


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